I have felt so much for so long. Up and down. Last night, I was amongst friends laughing and engaging in ridiculous conversations. This morning I was sending my dad off to the hospital again. Again. And again. And again.
It doesn't get any easier. The sadness gets thicker with each trip to the hospital. All the little things that we can not fix. Realizing- there is no recovery. Only temporary comfort. Trip after trip after trip to the hospital. Weak, sleepless, exhausted, too fatigued to even talk. A good day is when he has enough strength to lift a spoon to his mouth and feed himself. This is the same man who used to carry me on his shoulders.
I want his suffering to end. And I feel so guilty for that. I feel so...
Snap out of it Rach! You can't let yourself go down that road. Not today. It's easy to give in. This to shall pass.
True optimism, comes from true suffering. Knowing what bad really is. Knowing what low feels like. Being grateful for the light peeking through the trees at the edge of the dark wood, knowing there is a clearing ahead. Somewhere. I smile, because tears are not an option today. I laugh, because it breaths life into me where the sadness is. I find myself laughing a lot these days, armed with humor on the frontlines of my grief- battling the inevitable.
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