Massive Rant

There's this place that your mind goes that is yours and only yours. Barricaded by concrete and impenetrable by any outsiders. I can only compare it to true nothingness. To a silence and stillness so vast that there are no echos. Numbness, in a way that isn't numb, because to be numb you would have to know what it is to feel, and behind these walls there are no senses. Nothing to compare to and nothing to want or need. Just to be. This is the place my mind goes when I wonder out of the hospital doors. Trying to digest the big picture. Trying to learn the lesson and find that ever winding path that's supposed to lead to somewhere better than here. Anywhere is better than here. Or is it? Maybe here is the best place to be for me, for now. Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. But by believing that I am believing in a certain destiny, even a God maybe. And how the hell is that going to help me. By tomorrow maybe I'll throw my hands up in the air and say "let it happen, let it go!". Throw out the road map, the self help books, and flush the medicine cabinet. Give in to the impulses, indulge in the senses, become a hedonist lover of all things that simply 'are'. Because that is simply how life is. We live, and we die. But it isn't so simple is it? NO! Because in the midst of that simplicity is all this love and suffering. Because we as humans NEED things, lots of things. Jobs, healthcare, mortgage loans, medicine, doctors, daycares, fresh produce, traffic signals, iphones, blah blah blah fucking blah. None of it does you any good. Really. While your busy achieving all of these things, the people you love most are dieing, and your time is wasted not learning from them. Not talking to them and hold their hands and kissing their cheeks, not hugging and laughing, not LISTENING. I can't take it anymore! To hell with it all.