Dear John

Dear John,

It may be slightly insane that I am writing you about this, but sometimes you don't know what else to do. I have to tell someone, or I'm going to break. I feel the walls beginning to crumble in around me. You see John, my father is dieing, and with it I am losing my sanity. So much to the extent that I am writing you. Mostly knowing you won't ever read this letter and in some small way I can go crazy and have no one to bear witness to it but my silent friend. It's the same concept as crying in the shower with no one to see, except in some small way there is the possibility that you hear me. Or someone does. There is this infestation of emotion happening. I really hate it when fucking cliches are true John. It's extremely annoying. Like a big cosmic fucking 'I told you so'. But I know, what doesn't kill me, will make me stronger- because I'm still here to learn something from it.

I am the dedicated daughter. Sometimes I wonder if that is my personal weakness. If staying and taking care of him is actually a type of codependency. I'm okay with that for now. I'll deal with who I am without him, after he is gone. I'm grateful for thew now, because every day I am with him my son gets to love him a little bit more. I get to witness a grown man become a child before my eyes, and see life in it's entirety as they interact.

I don't know what I want honestly, or why I had to write it down. Maybe I just want to have my moment. I will mostly likely be the one with him when he goes, and inside I am freaking the fuck out. We've been dangerously close these passed few months and I have gotten a taste of that grief, blanketed in fear. Fear, is only ignorance in disguise right? I think I'm scared of what will happen to him. His soul, his energy, his legacy. I have no clue what to believe in anymore.

Inside I am hoping for someone to be there for ME when he goes. I keep hoping to find someone to hold me when he dies. But I know in my heart, this is something I have to face on my own. That wanting someone to hold me, will only make it more relevant that I go it alone. It's a tumultuous time in my life right now. It feels like a painful rebirth. Like I am laboring and fighting waves of debilitating contractions, knowing it must happen, knowing it will hurt, and knowing that it is, in and of itself, beautiful. And when he dies, I will start to push and scream with all of my might to get through it. And maybe.... in this rebirth of mine I will become more cognizant of this life. Maybe I will finally be awake to what it is to live.